Simba's Pride, the Abridged Series
by Lavenderpaw
Summary: What if the dispute wasn't just about Scar...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **This is purely for humor and some of it is pretty crude. Nothing to explicit or anything, beforewarned.

* * *

I.

Simba and Nala snuggled their --- err- -- cub. What's his name. The crowds of animals, again, for some holy reason or another bowed down to princess Layla, I mean, Kiara. So anyway, Timon and Pumbaa admire their godchild from the very peak of Pride Rock.

"Ah, look at that little hairball! Knock my block off it that isn't the cutest little thing I've ever seen and of course _we're _going to be the parents. I'm tellin' chubby, it's gonna be like all of those other days we laid around and did nothing. You, me and the perfectly normal cub."

Rafiki chuckled as he held the young bundle of joy. "Heh-heh-heh… she's retarded."

"Retarded."

"Retarded?! Oy!"

Sometime later…

Kiara skipped to the edge of Pride Rock like she had never seen the outside world.

"Joy to the world!"

"Whoa, now, sunshine. Remember your mental health."

"Mommy!" She snapped in her uppity voice. "For Mufasa sakes, let me go already!"

"Now I just want to make sure you're not showing any tendencies towards doing anything but becoming a straight young lioness among our incestuous pride." Simba explained to her.

"Okay, okay, can I go to my Special Ed class now? Pleeeaasse?"

"Very funny."

Nala walked over to them both. "Try not to use your mind too much, Kiara."

"Yes, Dad."

Simba glared out into the green Pridelands. "Any stay away from Fruit Pie lands."

Zazu flew over with a murderous look on his face. "Nothing there… But homosexuals."

"Zazu's right." Simba replied with equal menace. "You can't put your bodies on them."

"Really, how come?"

"Nevermined, you're…. special. Run along now."

"Okayyy! Tra la la la la…" Kiara went skipping off into the fields.

"Simba?" Nala laughed. "Now where do you think she gets her intelligence from, hmm?"

"What? Who?"

"She's just as retarded as you were when we were young."

"Exactly, do you remember the trouble we put ourselves through?"

Nala pounced upon him. "You mean the trouble _you _put us through. Hmm… she won't kill herself."

Simba turned unsure as she left and turned to his well-accredited and fully resume' prepared babysitting squad. "Hey Joe, Curly, come here." They trotted over perkily to greet their straight king.

"Good morning other member of the three stooges the author couldn't remember!"

"I want you guys to make sure Kiara doesn't do anything stupid, she's bound to get hurt."

"Don't worry, Simba, we're on her like a warthog on the stink!"

"Yep, contrary to the laws of reason I'm part bloodhound."

"Guys, I'm blindly putting my faith in you. Kiara could already be a lesbo as we blather on senselessly!"

"Oh, come on, Simba. You don't think Kiara is THAT special do you?"

Further out into the Pridelands…

"Cool, the Fruit Pie lands! I wonder what kind of drug-dealers and muggers are out there!"

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

I.

Kiara pounced around trying to bat a butterfly.

"Hey, come back! I just want to snort you."

The orange-winged insect landed on a rock.

"Hah… mighty drug lord, has cornered her next hit." She growled playfully and pounced.

Kiara looked up immediately after she landed on the stone, her prey getting away.

"Hmm… I wonder what drugs are anyway."

Pumbaa and Timon together: "Illegal!" They cried out as if suspecting Kiara drugged.

"Ahhhhh! Drug-dealers!" She fell off the rock.

"Oh, don't worry Kiara. Curly Joe is comin'!"

Timon grimaced. "Oh… huh, let's see. Gee, Shemp, the good news is your daughter is still straight. The bad news is… a warthog molested her. Is there a problem with that?" he said.

"Kiara? Kiara? Now Princess Kiara, as a mentality unstable princess, you should know-."

"Shut it, Pumbutt!" She snapped.

"Oh, okay. We just don't want you to become a homo."

"Homo?! Oh… Simba would kill us. You didn't get slipped a drug by a lioness did'ja? Catch a whiff of her perfume? Have her paint your nails?" He was glared at by Kiara.

"Will somebody please forget my stupidity!?"

"I'm sorry, I was listening. Did you say you were homophobic?" Timon asked hopefully.

"Why don't you losers argue over drugs?"

So they argued over drugs.

"Fra la la la la la la, Fra la la la la la la. La la la laaaaaaaaaaaa." She sang as she skipped off.

Kiara crossed a log bordering the Pride lands and Fruit Pie lands.

"Hey, it's a Pridelander!"

"Hey, it's a Fruit Pie Lander!"

"My mother said to NEVER put myself on a Fruit Pride Lander!"

"You always use your brain?"

"No!"

"Bet ya do… bet you're extremely intelligent. A Fruit Pie Lander mates with whomever he or she wants!_ I _mate myself, PL!" The black cub later known as Anakin Skywalker boasted.

"You… masturbate? Cool!"

He turned around to face her smugly. "Ahhh… drug dealer!"

"Oh, God, ah!"

They dashed off not unlike cubs about to be eaten by crocks.

"That was a close score…"

"Heh-heh, you said score."

"Hey… why are you running from Santa's elves?"

"I'll go get your Christmas presents, don't move!"

The crocodiles surrounded the young lion Jedi. "Oh no!"

Kiara leapt atop its open mouth. "Okay, I'm an idiot! Now move it."

They evaded their would-be captors.

"Wow, you were really smart."

"Really?"

The lion nodded sincerely. "By the way, my name's Kovu."

"Heh… _I'm_ heterosexual."

He flinched away. Mama lioness growled from the rushes.

"Tag, you're sexy! Tag, you're sexy you're sexy!"

Kovu was despondent.

"Hello… I pretend to mate you, you pretend to mate me. Get it?"

"Nope."

"Whatsamatter? Don't you know how to make a little love and get down tonight?!"

"Oh… you're homosexual." Kiara said albeit uneasily.

"No, I'm… bisexual."

"Well, that's okay. You accept my lack of smartness… I accept your ethnicity."

They smiled at each other.

"ROAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!"

"Sexypuss101!"

"Shemp!"

Zira glared at Nala sidelong.

"Stick gender."

"Stick figure."

"How dare you try to try to corrupt my child!"

"Oh, haven't you met MY child? Kovu. He was destined to follow in Scar's paw prints, not produce incestuous heirs and ruin the Pride lands by becoming… a homosexual, ha!"

Simba growled at Kovu.

Timon scoffed. "Pfft! That's not a sex toy… that's a cat you!"

"We're finished here." Simba departed with Kiara.

"Oh, no, Shemp. _He,"_ she glanced back at the lion's rear end. "Has only begun."

They parted ways.

"Bi." Kiara said wistfully, aching to know more about Kovu's ambivalent sexuality.

"_Bi_." He muttered in consent and resigned himself as his lesbo mother carried him off.

To be continued…

**A/N:** Kovu is… bi?! Wonder how he'll turn out.

LP


	3. Chapter 3

I.

"Kiara, what did you think you were doing? You used your brain today." Simba reprehended.

"But, Mommy, I didn't mean to think too hard-."

"I love you, but your brain dead. One day I won't be here and there are a lot of lesbians out there that could try to convert you. They don't conform to the Circle of… Kiara, are you listening? What's wrong?"

"You're going to break into song, aren't you?"

"Damn_ straight_."

Music from out of nowhere started.

"We are straight, you and I. We are like the earth and sky… yadda yadda yadda." He sang as they ran through the sun-setting Pride lands. "You will find when you find your sexuality…" He sang some more.

"If I must be straight, can't I still just be me? Dumb as a stump… can I trust in my own fart or am I doomed to be a virgin in some gender bias plan…" Kiara sang and they finally ended up at Pride Rock where Simba said:

"As long as you're heterosexual, I won't disown you." He hugged her. "You'll become smart someday."

"You mean you'll find me help?"

"Just as soon as Pumbaa gets his degree in psychology."

Kiara felt depressed until she found a little blue bird and for some reason or another was happy.

II.

In the Fruit Pie Lands…

Kovu's transgender brother Nuka approached their young sister.

"Hey… Vitani. Where's the little STD Kovu?"

"NUKA, where's my condom?! Did you leave it out there on its own again?"

"Hey, I sent Kovu out to get it."

"Mother's going to be mad… she wants you to teach him to mate!"

"Or who cares what she thinks? I should have mated Simba. I'm the ugliest, I'm the stupidest, and I'm the nastiest… yah, these AIDS! I could be a sex symbol if she'd just give me a chance!" He complained as he humped the ground. Vitani snickered.

"Uh… Mama's here."

"Mother dearest…!"

"Stow it, Nuka."

"Okay."

"Hey, Kovu… wanna go gay?"

Zira glared at Nuka. "You were supposed to make sure he didn't go straight!"

"It's okay, mother. I'm still deciding."

"What?! Who has defined us our gay rights?"

"Shemp!"

"Who didn't want to make a little love and get down tonight with his uncle?"

"Simba! I'm sorry, Mummy. She didn't seem so straight… I thought we could be."

"LOVERS!"

"You thought you'd pose as a straight rogue and get close enough to mate Simba…"

"This is going to be the start of a lifelong hell session, isn't it?"

The atmosphere seemed drenched in anticipation.

"That figures…" Kovu sighed.

"Oh, Kovu you gay child! I'm so proud of you. You have the same genes as Scar."

"But he wasn't my father."

"Well, you're the only son I have." She didn't notice Nuka waving his arms. "Come!"

"What's the song called, Mom?"

"It doesn't matter so long as I'm dictating your life."

III. In Rafiki's tree house…

"Oh, Mufasa! Every day Kiara grows another brain cell, into a queen who will know better then to do dumb things. But this cub Kovu… grows sexier. And Queera fills his balls with gayness. I am very worried Muffy, my cell phone bill ran over its minutes."

The wind blew a coconut off its limb and split its fuzz-covered shell open.

"What is this…? I could kidnap Kovu and Kiara and force them into child labor?"

The wind blew harder.

"Or… I could maybe try to get Kiara to make Kovu go straight and just get one of the My Friend Circle thing." Rafiki scratched at his manly goatee. "Yeah, I'll go do that."

"You could just send a text message." Mufasa's face appeared in the sky. "We get a real good connection up here." He said as he pointed to his cloud cell phone. _C ya R._

_C ya M. _The mandrill sighed as he texted back, wishing he had gotten roll over.

To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** You thought I was going away, didn't you? Well… not really. I'm never leaving. ^^

I.

Zira circled around her sex symbol Kovu.

"You… are… THE SEXY. Nice, very nice. You have the same gayness in your balls blah blah."

"I will avenge Scar… sex Simba up in the Pride lands, Simba is my destiny, I must DO him!"

The lionesses roared in agreement.

"We're getting paid overtime, right Zira?" One asked.

Meanwhile in the Pride lands…

Rafiki held a hand out to Kiara. "Remember… take a peek inside your mother's purse."

"Dur, OK! Mummy, may I please be allowed to hunt on my own? Pretty stupid please?"

"All right." Simba consented. "Just don't get mad when I send Timon and Pumbass after you."

They nuzzled and she ran off.

Shemp turned to his two bumbling goons. "Make sure she doesn't get mated."

Nuka and Vitani…

"Yeesh, this place is even gayer then when the hyena drug dealers took off."

"Yeah, whatever, let's just get high before we go do Mama's plot thing."

They stuck their heads over a lava-filled trench and got high off the fumes.

* * *

In the Pride lands…

"A hunting I will go! A hunting I will go!" The intended herds perked their ears. "Hi-ho… huh?"

"Oh." Timon grinned at Kiara sheepishly. "We're, uh… we're not here. It's only a mirage!"

"My mummy sent you, didn't she? After she promised not to see you both, she lied!"

"Nah, Shemp just doesn't want you to be used as a total plot device."

"Pumbaa, if I don't come back…" her eyes widened on the stunned warthog. "Use deodorant."

Kiara ran off.

"Man, somebody get something for this PMS-bound kid!"

Zira and Kovu watched as the Pride lands got lit with fire.

"Those flames are laced with a special chemical of testosterone, perfect for your destiny."

Kovu thinking: _I wonder if Kiara will have tacos back at her place? Oh, right, my destiny._

"Go!"

He went.

* * *

Kiara stopped to stare at the flames rising. "Ooo. Pretty colors! I wonder if it tastes like tacos."

Vitani, hidden behind a rock, shouted out. "Get moving you bimbo!"

"Oh… fire can talk?"

"Run!"

"Tacos!" Kiara ran for a cliff. "I bet if I follow the moving salsa, it will lead me to them."

She fainted on impact upon making it to the top.

Kovu met her up there. "Wow… from this angle she looks like a burrito. Oh, right, destiny calls."

He scooped her up on his back and made for a large body of water before falling into it.

Zazu spotted them from the air. "Hmm… I'm almost sure that's a giant burrito. No, wait, it's-."

The bird got caught up in the fumes and went off to look for a mate.

"Where… where am I?"

"You're… not Mexican cuisine."

"What… no tacos?! Hey, where's your green card? Are you trying to make me the minority?"

Kovu scoffed. "I think I'm the one that immigrated over here illegally."

Kiara whirled around. "Then move back to Alaska!"

They confronted each other again and again.

"Kovu?"

"You were expecting a rogue of lesser hotness than me?"

Simba jumped in at that moment. "KIAR- oh wait, you're a male lion."

They roared at each other anyway.

Rafiki called down to them. "Hey, you down there! How dare you flirt with the king's daughter."

Shemp's eyes lit up at the idea of a male lion with Kiara. _This could be my chance!_

Kiara's eyes lit up at the thought of Kovu thinking she was smart. _This could be my chance!_

Timon danced around with his eyes screwed shut. _I think I'm going to wet my pants!_

Zazu interceded. "Yes, sire, it would appear the rogue is straight."

"Hmm… have you ever lived in a society inhabited with STD's and gay lions?"

"Nope."

"Well, you're male, that's good enough for me!"

"So… Daddy," Kiara turned to Nala. "Taco time?"

She sighed. "All right, we'll stop by Taco Bell on the way home."

On the cliff of Pride Rock…

* * *

Kiara walked over to the edge. "Um… hey, thanks for not questioning my smartness today."

"Huh, what kind of lioness are you anyway? You don't smoke, or drink or anything."

"Wanna make love?"

"No… I want to be left alone."

"Oh… uh, Kovu."

"Yeah.

"I'd like you to teach me to be smart." Kiara left his side. "Now what was I doing? Tacos?"

Nuka stared in disbelief. "Did you see that? He almost made love to her! If that were me-."

"Hush! Kovu professed to be straight and Simba fell for it. Now, well, it'll become apparent."

"Hey," Pumbaa suddenly appeared beside Nuka. "What's cookin' good lookin'?"

"Who are you?"

"The answer to all your problems. They call me… the pig of love." He made smooching noises.

To be continued…


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

Simba slept unsoundly that night.

"Simba!" Muffy called out to him in his dreams, voice resounding. "Help me!"

"Father… you owe my mother child support!"

"Simba…" Scar slinked down towards him. "I'm coming to molest you."

"No, Dad," He reached down to his father. "Just… help me not turn gay!"

"Sorry, son, but it's only climatic if I support you and Sarabi by dying dramatically."

He fell down into the ravine. "Nooooo…. _Scar. _What? Huh? Kovu?! Why are you---?"

"I'm here to MATE you!"

Simba snapped awake in that moment. "Whoa! I really gotta lay off the bean burritos."

_- Plif!-_

_"_Oh, way to let one go Shemp_!"_

_"_Well... looking at Nala, at least I didn't let myself go._"_

The next morning…

Kovu watched where he was sure Simba would be at, then crouched down and prepared to masturbate. This was it; Kovu was going to get his last kick before he mated Simba.

"'Morning!" Kiara hopped in front of him. "Stupefied ya, didn't I?"

"Oh, Kiara… I just… smelled your dad's farts. You know, bean burritos and all."

"I'm more of a taco gal myself. Say, do you think you could remember to smart me up?"

"Why don't you go pester an elephant about that." Kovu growled slightly.

"I know where more burritos are!"

Kovu just about passed out. "I'm your teacher."

Out in the grass…

"You can hear me!" Kiara shouted as she progressed to an unamused male lion. "Ha ha!"

_This better be worth the burritos. Of course, I could always have tacos but Taco __Bell__ has those black ones. I find it rather racist myself. I mean, come on! Black lions are always at the mercy of being prejudiced. You have my transgender brother, my gay step-uncle Scar._

"Geronimo!" The lioness leapt out at him.

"Oh… you don't think I'm smart anymore, huh?"

"Only… a little. You're still trying too hard. Relax, feel your brain so it doesn't strain."

"Dur, you rhymed."

They both started running off then for no particular reason and wound up finding stooges.

"Hey…" Pumbaa grinned and then sighed. "Oh, you're not Nuka."

"Timon, where's my father? He's watching, isn't he? You're spying for him, aren't you?"

"Kiara… you're, you're thinking!"

"I think running helps her brain work." Kovu mentioned.

So they all ran.

"Ye-haw!" Kovu laughed and then, more crazily. "Ye-HAW! Now I'm stupid!"

They then ran from rhinos and wound up in a rock cliff's vagina.

"You're pretty straight, kid." Timon commented. "You're pretty straight."

Kovu and Kiara kissed which transferred her newfound smartness back to Kovu.

_Oh, thank the Lion Kings._

Kiara looked around cross-eyed. "Burritos!"

"Do you guys mind?" Kovu walked away. "I've got to go… uh, check myself."

"You're gonna go please yourself, aren't you?"

"No!"

"Want some help?"

The lion rushed off with Kiara not far behind.

Some time later…

"Oh… oh, look did you see that? That's really not gay!"

Kiara looked up at a star formation. "Oh, look! There's one that's shaped like a creature that isn't indigenous to our land. See the fluffy tail?" Kovu agreed as he saw something.

"Oh, look… there's a lion that's mating with-." He took a deep breath. "Himself."

Kiara looked over at him. "You know, I'm told that I'm a virgin."

Kovu sighed at her failed attempt to cheer him up and went over to sit by himself.

"This lion that I've yet to name wasn't my lover, but he was still… my intended spouse."

"My father says there was a… chemical imbalance in Scar in which he couldn't escape."

"Maybe that's why you're stupider then a popsicle in the desert."

"It's true."

They nuzzled.

Simba watching from above…

"Father, I am lost. My mom has debt up to her eye balls. Why were you a dead-beat?"

"Oh, Simba really." Nala came up to him. "He's _dead. _First you go on and on about your daughter dating a potential bisexual, now you're rambling on about shit knows what. Can you just accept that Kiara has a mind, granted a nonfunctioning one, and love to me too?"

"Nala, it's called Weight Watchers not Taco Tankers."

"Well, at least my best friend isn't Porky Pig."

Back to our two tragic lovers…

"Kiara… um, I really… don't feel comfortable with this."

"Why?"

"Because… I was raised to believe that lions should be…"

"What?"

"Nothing… I gotta go mate myself."

"Kovu." Kiara begged him. "Wait."

Rafiki prodded Kovu in the nose. "And WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

"I'm… going to Taco Bell to solve my sexuality complex."

"Hah! That's what you stink."

"Whoa! Who was that?"

"Oh… Simba's estranged godfather who mooches off our lands."

"You follow, Rafiki. He's not gay."

"Kovu, c'mon!" Kiara called out to him. "He might let sixteen-year-old minors get high!"

_This is my chance to go off and masturbate. _

"I've got the answer to your sexuality!"

"I'm game."

Kiara grinned. "I'm not as dumb as before!"

The monkey thought to himself. _Now I can sell their virginities on the black market to pay my cell phone bills. _He received a harsh omen from his coconut. _Or, maybe not…_

To be continued…


	6. Chapter 6

With Kiara and Kovu.

"Where's he taking us?"

"To a place… in your private parts. Called, in her panties." The insane monkey laughed.

"There's a place where things happen that you just cannot explain and the stars come out to mate… in her panties! That's where her passion fruit grow sweet," He pointed down at the lioness's spread out legs. "It numbs your mind as you lose what you never had as it goes to sweep you off your paws (not feet). In her panties, without a condom or a care… la la la…

… your hormones will take you there." Kiara gave him a goofy look; in full stupid mode.

"Dur, where is it?"

Rafiki stuck his finger in his balled up fist and jerked it around. "No place you don't take with you." She guffawed at that. "You better watch your back 'cause the path to sex is steep, better learn to get an orgasm because the dick will run deep. It's a long way down off of lust's leap…

… but don't listen to me blather on! Because in her panties; where the passion fruit is sweet."

Kiara kissed Kovu and the fruit swallowing in his mouth gave him the experience of what it could be like to possibly have oral sex. They continued to dance around mindlessly all the while getting high off of coconut juice and the monkey's witch doctor methods of making Kovu okay.

And very okay he was.

"In my panties means lust doesn't it?" Kiara figured it out somehow.

"Welcome to your panties! Your hormones will take you there if you know what I mean."

Kovu had forgotten all about his sexual complexes as he and Kiara started back for Pride Rock.

"Down in your panties…"

Kiara seemed smarter now. "In my panties." Well, more accepting of her condition anyway.

They bided each other good night and took their leave.

Kovu sighed as he went to the edge of Pride Rock. _Hmm… this ledge is very pointy, but, maybe it would be better that I just stay with tacos instead. _The lion lay down and began to brood heavily.

Simba approached him. "Um… it's kind of hard not to think of your dad not paying your mother child support out here." The two discussed fathers briefly where Kovu admitted he was bred out of wedlock. Simba began to gradually understand. "Well, so my wife won't complain, come on."

With Vitani.

"Mate him!"

He didn't.

"Kovu, what are you waiting for? Tacos? Rrr!" She ran off to meet up with Queera.

"RAWR! Are you sure he's gone straight?"

"Affirmative, I witnessed it with my own non-straight eyes."

"Oh! I think I burned my burritos over the boiler."

Kovu walked out to the end of Pride Rock the next morning.

"Okay, I have to tell her today. Oh! Where do I start? Kiara, Zira wanted me to fuck your father. And I was in on it, but I don't want to be gay. It's, it's because I lust after you and all your tacos."

"Kovu? Who are you talking to?" Kiara appeared. "My friend Mr. Potato Terminator Rombo."

"KIARA!" Shemp roared. "_I _want to talk with Mr. Potato Terminator Rombo."

He winked at her (incest implications much?) and headed out with Kovu.

After some undetermined length of time. "… Scar couldn't accept our inbreeding conditions and in the end he was torn shred by shred by a pack of Nazis whose wicked spirits resided in hyenas."

"I never knew Hitler was reincarnated into my gay pride's leader… he truly was a psychopath."

Simba looked on sadly to the salsa drenched fumes of the fields. "Kovu, these fumes are starting to make me feel horny. But here, look at this patch of grass and marvel at its beautiful splendor."

"You mean, you think I have a splendor of a gender and that I can finally become heterosexual?"

"No, I'm saying I'm thinking about abandoning my obese queen and running away with you."

Zira laughed evilly.

"No! No! Just when I finally have my sexual preferences in check!" Kovu shouted.

"Why Shemp…"

"Zira…" Simba raised a brow and decided at the last minute he wouldn't turn gay.

"What are you doing here and so… _singled_ out? Well done Kovu, now get ready to mate him."

"You!"

"No… no, I didn't want to make love to you!"

"Ladies… hold him down while Kovu mates him!"

A chase ensued but they end up a dam in the same valley that Shemp's father died in.

Nuka, a transgender lion who never stood a chance, climbed up on a log.

"I'll mate him for YOU Mother! Are you watchin' Mother---? I'm doin' him for you and-."

That's when Pumbaa jumped out of nowhere and planted a big wet one on him.

To be continued…


	7. Chapter 7

**I.**

"It was awful." Simba told them. "I was walking with Kovu and then out of nowhere…"

Timon gasped --- HAAAA! --- Before saying: "You mean child support services came?"

"Not yet. No! I mean, Kovu betrayed me." Simba passed out in exhaustion.

Kiara raised a brow as a pool of drool came dangerously close. "Anyone have a mop?"

"Hey," Timon scratched the red fuzz atop his head. "Where's my lesser half?"

**II.**

"Scar, make sure Nuka doesn't go straight in lion Heaven."

Vitani rolled her eyes. _Heaven? Puh…Nuka? Hah! Wait, he's not even dead!_

"You!" Queera whirled around, her claw flying out and grabbed Kovu by the mane. "You wanna…" she grinned in a twisted manner. "Wanna come over and meet Pimple porker?"

"No!" Kovu declared furiously. "I will not turn gay, I will not raise questions about why this pig is here but I WILL run this tube of pink lipstick over one eye and emo it up a bit."

"I could slash you across the face!" Zira yelled, trying to be dramatic. Wait. _Trying_?

"Nah, this is unrated Disney sequel crap. You wouldn't get even an ooze of blood."

"Oh, okay."

Nuka ran off, yelling hoarsely. "NO!"

"Let him go straight. Simba has hurt me for the last time. Listen to me, this guy I _just _mentioned is injured and weak. Now we must go name call him and distract him long enough so one of our own can get in." Nuka raised his paws. "Mate him and eventually get a cub out from between one of our legs… I choose, hmm, Vitani! Yeah, you can go."

"But Mama, I'm a homosexual."

"Take a hiatus, child slave."

Pumbaa narrowed his eyes from the pile of askew wooded cylinders.

* * *

"Daddy," Kiara argued, smarter then ever, "it can't be true that Kovu is a fruit pie."

"Speak of the sweet-tasting baked good." Timon commented.

A bunch of animals gathered around for whatever reason re_mark _on his lipstick.

"Tacos!" Kiara ran to him.

Simba growled and went into full bigotry mood. "Why are you here, emo gay wad?"

"Simba, you tried to get me to abandon your family and run-."

"You aren't getting into my daughter's thong!"

"A thong? Kiara? Please." Timon scoffed, eyeing an approaching Pumbaa closely.

"_Please,_" Kovu looked up at Kiara. "I ask for a chance to have your daughter's tacos."

"NO!" Simba roared. "Animal brethren, kick him out. MUSICAL NUMBER STYLE!"

"Unnatural… in his makeup taste. He wanted to mate our prejudice king the moment he came. Kovu was BORN in a same-sex pride, RAISED to be gay. He was HELPLESS to not be fruiter then a rake. Let him run, let him masturbate. But do not forget what we all know you will eventually. 'Cause HE is not incestuously heterosexual like us… oh yea!"

Kiara suddenly turned into valley-girl desperate mood. "Daddy, pluz, let me go rogue."

"Why?"

"Uh…" Her smart genes kicked in. "So I can go laugh at Kovu some more."

"No, you will not leave Pride Rock, you will go to your room, you will not listen to rap-."

"Daughter hates Daddy-kins!" Kiara announced and ran inside, weeping immensely.

She turned around and there was sunlight streaming in through Pride Rock's butt crack.

"He accepts my occasional lapse in the process of thought, I accept him for I am Kiara."

_So that's my name?_

To be continued (eventually…)


	8. Chapter 8

"In a perfect restaurant, one we've never owned… we would never have to order off the dollar menu. They can have their tacos, I'll take burritos. I may not have a hard shell or filing or even a drink… but think, somewhere in my secret sauce, its salsa! Burritos will find a way, anywhere I go, I'll order. If you let me order from mane board. Like a dark shell, I won't be sexiest like my dad. Burritos will find a way --- GASP!" Kiara breathed.

"You forgot 'somehow we'll make it through…"

"No, it's somehow I'll drive through, now that I'm smarter then I once was. Uh, hello?"

"Yes."

"Who is this?"

"The author effing up your story. Who do you think?"

"Oh, well, you're doing an awesome job of it."

"Aren't I though?"

"Continue please!"

Kovu entered their Mexican cuisine-filled song sequence.

"I was SO emo indecisive over tacos or burritos. Now I think I'll settle on some nachos. There's a perfect meal, that's not on the dollar menu…" Now they sang together. "And if ONLY they didn't order off the dollar menu, maybe we wouldn't resort to the drive thru.

Like a DARK SHELL TACO, we might be brain-dead and half-gay, but nachos will find a way. And just in case we haven't made it clear, nachos will find a way. Sry Taco Bell!"

Kovu finally was allowed to be fully stupid and skipped through the meadows that would actually probably take quite a while longer to grow then just the few days considering the fire was raved but who cares it just makes for nice scenery; "We, are now run a ways K."

"And I'll be your potential rape victim?"

"That too. Except I was meant to tell rape your dad."

Dun dun DUN DUN!!!!!!

(Side note from author: I always thought Kiara should've reacted harder to that. But with the lameness that comes with aging the characters who, except for the Outlanders, lack any real charisma, I guess she couldn't. Except this is a fan fiction and Scar triumphs all)

"You… you really were trained to be gay and wanted to hack off my daddy!"

"No…" Kovu rubbed the nap of his neck. "No, not, hack him off. Just mate him… a lot."

"DADDY!" Kiara ran for the Pride lands. "You were right all along!"

"Kiara, my burrito-breasted goodness! I mean, uh, goddess. Please return to me!"

"Neva!"

They both ran to where the families were building rival fast-food chains.

To be continued…


	9. Chapter 9

It was a stare off.

Timon surveyed the glaring Fruit-landers.

"I spy with my little eye something… purple-ish gray."

"Uh… is it a lioness that's purposely made this color to set the main lions apart."

He sent the warthog an annoyed look.

"Wait, is that why were here? Are we just… comic relieves!?"

"It's GAYNESS Simba." Queera announced to the air.

"It's our last dance, Zira. Want to break down?"

"I am not a break-dancer. Everyone, try to find a mate!"

They all tussled with one another in what was more a fight then a dance.

"Go for her wonga dong. Kick her low, get them! Remember that they're she's not he's!"

All of a sudden, Simba and Zira were face-to-face.

"I'm going to stare you down." He said.

"Not if I stare you down first!"

Kiara and Kovu jumped down in that moment.

"Kiara!"

"Son who's not my son because he didn't do what I wanted him to" She gasped. "Move."

"Mommy dearest."

Simba quickly tried not to be out-done. "Sit astride Kovu."

"Huh?" Kiara looked from side-to-side. "Where are the tacos?"

"Oh, Kiara." Nala sighed.

"Wait!" Pumbaa suddenly interrupted. "I'm with child protective services and I'm here to arrest all those who have brain-washed and abused Kiara and Kovu. So… ready to go?"

Timon let his jaw drop at this one. "Boy, ya sure know how ta lay on da randomness."

"Wow," Kiara smiled at them goofily. "I was just going to recite an epic poem to try and bring upon instant, nearly fully non-protesting union among our two families. But, wow."

"Kiara!" Simba raced over and embraced his daughter. "Your stupidity is cured! Whoo!"

"So where are the nachos?" Kovu asked.

"No!" Zira yelled brashly. "I'll never merge our fast-food chains!"

Kiara suddenly lost her intelligence and tackled the older lioness into a convenient gorge.

"Say," Timon scratched his head. "Was that there five minutes ago?"

"I don't know," Pumbaa started writing down on a notepad. "I'm including it as abuse."

"From psychologist to social worker?"

"I had a lot of left-over financial aid to work with, Timon."

To be continued…


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:** Attention all playa haters, this is just a test. Remember not to take offense to this fan fiction. It is nearly over and it is in no way to offend. Jeez, it's rated M anyways. : P

"Life preserver! Life preserver! Life preserver!" Zira called out as she clutched the big, burrito-shaped princess to her chest. "I, mean, Mufasa. Did you think the writers had originally planned for me to hack myself off but found it too gruesome for the little tykes?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kiara screamed. "Can't die!" she thrust her claws into the wall's rocky edges. "Have yet… to obtain… a job as a waitress in my daddy's new food chain!"

While she landed on a shelf of stone, Zira continued her descent.

"Oh, my! A taco dangling for dear life!" Kiara leaned down and tried to grasp it. "Taco!"

The Mexican food swiped at her.

"Oh, Zira. Here. Give me your paw."

"Now you have found your intelligence!?"

"Maybe I always was smart; I just needed someone like your son to believe in me."

"Oh!" Zira was mightily impressed. "Why, maybe you could consider us our gay rights."

Kiara flinched back. "Well, sure, uh… just let me help you out."

"I never thought I'd say this…" The older lioness reached up her paw to be taken. "But-."

Suddenly, in one brilliant cascade, a plethora a tacos rained from the sky and pelleted her in one great wave. Zira let out a witch-like scream and plummeted to a sea of salsa below. Kiara lay there, contemplating whether to dive in and rescue her floating, flailing el fiesta.

* * *

"Pumbaa," Timon was aghast, "Why!?"

"Because," the warthog moved a pipe up to his mouth, "It was time to let the old bag go."

"You do realize most child service workers _don't _take out their targets."

"She just wasn't my type."

"No, no, no, I meant _take _her _out._"

"Timon, c'mon, that's sick! She's like twenty years older then me! And I'm forty-five."

"Well, I'm forty. But you still shouldn't have killed her!"

"Huh?"

Timon sighed. "Never mind."

* * *

Kovu watched with a grim look. _What about my inheritance money?_

Nuka watched with a saddened look. _Now I'll never be able to prove my worth!_

Vitani was too distracted that her brothers were both there. "You do know that your name means 'stink' in Swahili, right?" she tapped on his shoulder. "Whoa, you _are_ still alive!"

"Duh. But since no one ever notices me anyway, I didn't bother saying anything."

"Well," Vitani walked up to him, heartfelt. "I notice you no-,"

"'Scuse me, kids. But I believe it's time to put you both in foster homes. Come along…"

Simba watched as both Kiara and Kovu went up to greet each other after he'd rescued her.

"Gay wad."

"Oh, brain-dead."

They nuzzled.

"Kovu."

He approached him.

"I was right; you are an abomination from the lion kings. BUT, somehow, someway your bisexual presence gives my daughter the outlet she's never had and therefore, I'm sorry."

"Oh, papa Kiara! I'm sorry too!" Kovu shouted.

They embraced.

"Let's have blow-jobs at home," Simba told his lionesses, then to the others. "All of us."

They all returned to Pride Rock.

In the Fruit Pie lands, as the sun is setting…

"Yes!" A salsa-drenched Zira cries out happily. "I WIN!"

She began to dance around and then threw herself to the barren grounds, swimming.

"Dirt! Dirt! So much dirt… dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt. "

And Zira knew, without a doubt, she had finally gotten what she wanted.

"Hey," A dark-furred, heavy-maned lion with green eyes approached her. "Alone?"

"As you can plainly see, Zokoru."

The two began swimming around on the mounds of clotted granules.

"Dirt, dirt… so much DIRT!"

* * *

"Mmm… this roasted pork off a… hey! Where's my dad and Kovu?"

"And Nuka too?" Vitani remembered.

In a dark place…

"All right," a red-haired male lion said. "We all know males have _certain needs_."

Fin.


End file.
